My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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