Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
