I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
