no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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