i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
