just come out here and I will go home with you...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
