if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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