Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
