Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
