I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
