We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
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my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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