if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
