where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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