A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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