I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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