My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
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You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.