Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can't turn off my feet"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
