Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He shit in the fireplace
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