So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
