you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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