Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You left your phone here
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