i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My penis needs a shock collar
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
