with your own penis?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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