broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
