it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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