You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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