wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
