Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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