oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
