I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
it's like iHOP with fire
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
