I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Oh god it's open bar.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
