apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
