Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
