watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.