Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.