if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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