Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
