That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
