It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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