My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
