There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
