Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
