if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
