so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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