i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
