Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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