the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
