New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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