remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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