That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
