so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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