I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
