You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
