he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
