you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
