My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
