Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
