I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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