oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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