I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
