you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
